Everything's in a name

My friends are all in a different boat. A boat that is way heavier and wobbly. Yes, they are all pregnant and I am in no hurry to jump aboard just yet. First it was the boyfriends, then the weddings and now this! Next it will be the babies I tell you…mark my words!

As excited as I am, luckily for me, they have spared me all the preggy talks. One of them blogs all about it, another calls me when she wakes up at 4 am and the others feel that they have acquired superior status and I should be the one calling. So overall it’s been cool. The grossest thing I have heard is that in some communities they cook the placenta for a feast to celebrate the birth of a new born. I suggested that she ask the doc for her placenta ‘to-go’ and later heat it in the microwave back at home. I think I am scarred for life; are you guys ok?

Since I have nothing better to do, I find out what they want us to call their offspring and then make fun of the names. I have noticed one thing common among all these pending moms. They get super defensive regarding their baby’s names. There is an inherent difference between the American way of naming and the Indian way of naming their kids. After spending months and going through two divorces regarding the right moniker, the American couple decided to name their bundle of joy (hold your breath)- John. And everybody goes, ’Bravo! That’s such a lovely name.’ Oh please! I mean just how hard was that? Looking around, I may need my extra toes to count the number of Johns smiling at me right now.

Whereas the Indian couples here have a greater challenge. Their baby needs a unique, modern name. Even Menaka Gandhi or the Sanskrit dictionary shouldn’t have figured it out. Travel all over the world, to the remote igloos of Antarctica, none other should have such a name…not even that Eskimo. At the same time, the name should mean something nice in any obscure Indian language. On top of that, you need to make sure the Americans don’t screw up this one-of-a-kind name, which even Indians are probably not sure how to pronounce. So they think real hard and make their pregnant lives miserable and finally come up with – Chakthashu.

It satisfies all their criteria- No other couple could have thought of something as insane as that. I have no clue what it means, but the Americans for sure pronounce this really well and with glee - ‘Chuck the shoe’.

Gone are the days of Ramesh and Suresh. Dinesh and Ganesh are looked upon with disdain. Anu, Priya, Deepa or for that matter modern names of our times like Nikita and Richa have been swept under the carpet. Absurd and uncanny is the way to go. My cousin is threatening to name her kid Lipi (meaning ‘writing’ in Sanskrit). I just wish for the little one’s sake she doesn’t have any lip issues. I brought up my concern and my cousin started crying. Just like that! I can only imagine the stress she had to go through to get here. At least my niece will know I tried saving her.

It’s not even worth this trauma when you come to think of it. Very few kids are completely satisfied with their name. I wasn’t one of them for sure. Maybe I will take back all I said when I am in that boat and will end up naming my kid some shit- I mean Samchit!