Thursday, September 24, 2009

No Shower without Thunder

When mankind plunges into amnesia just because they all bumped their heads on the same rock, I would want them to regain their entire memory only to have forgotten one thing- baby showers! Yes, that would make me very happy.

I went to one baby-shower during those days when my thinking was confined and my exposure limited. Hoping to see a naked pregnant lady getting into a shower while guests looked on, I was in for a rude shock and am still paying shit loads of money in therapy. What confronted me was a fully clothed glowy type pregnant person who seemed quite smug and hassled at the same time, ’Thanks guys! So sweet of you to do this for me.’

I had already done the congrats bit before and since I had to say something, I lied,’ You look great.’ In fact in reality she looked like a python that swallowed an auto-rickshaw.

After settling that awkward bit, I just about sit down to eat the nipple shaped cookies when the hostess (a friend of hormonal pregnant lady, equally hormonal and obsessive about making sure everyone has a terrible time) decides to kill whatever little joy by announcing games. Right under our noses, are 6 diapers that are disgustingly soiled to depict various stages of stomach malfunction. In fact, the hostess proudly informs us that it’s not human excreta, but different chocolates melted to look like the real deal. ‘Look at the various poop in the diapers on this tray and please write down what chocolate you think the baby had for dinner. You are allowed to smell and taste.’ This is a sure shot way of keeping all the other women in the room very prompt with their birth control pills.

Melted on a diaper with little raisins and peanuts peeping from the shapeless brown mass, however much you want to believe it is chocolate, you end up swallowing some of your puke. If this makes Guantanamo Bay sound like a massage parlor, wait till you hear more torture that I had to endure.

Then there is a game where you have to guess the correct circumference of the mommy-to-be’s stomach. ‘Diameter of the earth’ was the wrong answer and so was ‘I’m not sure’. More appalling is how some women will try to cheat by asking me, ‘Would she be at least 6 times my size?’

Then there is the dreaded gift unwrapping at which point there is the mandatory ‘Awwwww’ for each gift from us onlookers. I also have a problem with this word ‘Awwww’, but not so much that I would write a whole post on it. [It would suffice to say, I grew up on Shakti Kapoor going 'Awww' at every nubile damsel he wanted to rape on the silver screen.]
‘Awww, it’s a cute little toy train. You must have missed my gift-registry that was typed twice in the invite,’ she croons while shooting murderous looks at me. ‘Well, I just wanted to get rid of this dumb train that you gave me for my wedding.’ I said while creating more wrinkles in the fabric of the event.

After that terrible experience, I had a huge success rate of avoiding baby showers all together. I fell terribly ill, ran away to New York, had out of town guests visiting…and somehow managed to stay out of the excitement of digging my nails into my skull while playing ‘baby shower’ games.

This time my luck wore out and I got invited to a shower where my friend knows only three people and the person throwing the shower postponed, preponed etc, just to accommodate those three people, including poor me. At that point, after 15 emails, I threw my hands up and said with resignation, ‘Alright, show me the well.’

The hostess in all zeal sent us ideas for games. ‘Who wants to volunteer for conducting the games? I went to this baby shower where they had the measure the belly game. Or this other game with baby diapers, its gross…but we can do it…’ My faculties started failing me instantly and I hated myself for being surrounded by pregnant people. It isn’t their fault, I know…but they are the root of this misery. What probbaly started off as a well meaning congregation of experienced women teaching a few things about raising a child to the expectant mother and giving nice gifts, has now turned into a nightmarish ritual of cheesy d├ęcor, terrible games and a very awkward atmosphere which expects single women, never-been moms and men to attend. Why in the name of Lord do we Indians have to do this? Our traditional bangle ceremony is so cool...some little prayer, bangles, loads of good food and no games! West, please look at the East in this aspect.

So I am big time trapped and dreading this upcoming baby shower. I have volunteered to help with the games with the intention of making it bearable for me. I am seriously considering strip poker. Worry not, pregnant lady will be excluded from game!

23 comments:

The_Girl_From_Ipanema said...

that diaper game was not true, was it? YUCK. there are a lot less traumatic games.

Alpha said...

yes that was gross..and i hear it is popular too. its not always chocolates..you can have mustard, soy sauce, peanut butter, gobi manchurian.

Me said...

alpha...i am sure you will come up with some new game like nose digging/cleaning...each to be parent cleans up one side of the dummy baby's nose...KY for mookushali?

shub said...

Damn you for this post! And I'm kicking myself for checking my feeds just before heading off for lunch.
Blegh!
What a post to comeback with. Hmph.

ggop said...

Sigh. Why do desis in the US go gaga about these silly baby shower games! I feel for you!

Alpha said...

me: why da? why invent more torture modes? why KY jelly? A hair conditioner would do no?
in fact evil me (as in Alpha) does think the plan is very cool.

shub,my apologies..my chest was heavy and your shoulder was light.

ggop, thanks & sigh!

yaadayaada said...

Been there! Endured it all!! But never could put it as hilarious as you! :-)
And you forgot tasting the baby food and identifying game.. Yuck!!

Alpha said...

yaada-square, damn, there is a baby food tasting game too? I guess I have led a protected life.

Me said...

What? yaadayaada = yaada square? Then 22 = 2 square?

Alphaka you need to have vendakkai curry and thayirsaadham for lunch..

Zoheb said...

Why don't you play the chocolate game, but with the real stuff for a change!

Alpha said...

me,that would be one slimy poop.

zo,you are also invited then.

sudha said...

and here i was thinking bridal showers were the worst..

Alpha said...

sudha, as you grow older even parties take a toll.

Anonymous said...

Totally agree!!!!!!!!
I love this post.
-Viji

Alpha said...

viji, thanks..i need more supporters to abolish this cruel practice. I see myself as a Raja Ram Mohan Roy of sorts.

Hehhhhhhh said...

Either you exaggerate, or you are a perfect example of carrier/victim virus attack.

You have a fascination for toilets on your blog, it attacks your pals in virulent form and makes them eat chocolate shaped poo. Or poo shaped chocolate, whatever.

chakri said...

i have gone to at least 20 of them and never had any of these games....also no games for shilpas 2 showers. ....

Alpha said...

Hehh, By God I dont exaggerate..at least this one time. I am a victim. Please save me.Oh btw, no more poop stuff for the next post.

chakri, you have wonderful friends what can i say. And what the heck are you doing attending baby showers on the house? If they are all Indian bangle type ceremonies, I understand why you weren't subject to the games.

Riddhi said...

kya yaar, i thought at the end of this preggy post you'll annouce that u are pregnant. But no such "good news". How do you ward off the evil aunties from asking you the much hated question: so when is your turn now? koi good news che? On such days I pop 2 pills as an extra precaution

Alpha said...

riddhi girl, when i have I ever lived up to your expectations? I stopped getting questions long time. They just think there is no hope. Once you get to that stage, its easy. But seriously, when IS the good news?

Rash said...

Yuck. Yeh sab corrupting umriki culture ka nateeja hain. Hai hai

S said...

I can totally empathize

I have a friend who insists on throwing these baby showers for everyone she knows and makes us play the same games every single time. She didn't spare me at my baby shower. And all I wanted were pretty green bangles!!!

Ravages/CC said...

Me (not me, Me.) gets best comment prize.