Saturday, August 06, 2005

My granny's nightmare

I’m not sure what’s happening to our generation, but one thing’s for sure, we’ve started eating a whole lot lesser. Everyone’s dieting or has become suddenly allergic to certain foods. Thin people are getting thinner just like Diet Coke became Zero calorie Coke. Low fat is shunned and fridges are being stocked with fat-free products. I never thought in my wildest dreams that low-fat spinach could even be marketed to people. Eggs to me are little cartons that can be opened with scissors. I need to relearn how to crack-open a shell. My poor deprived kids will never be able to make egg art (painting egg shells & dangling them on potted plants) while stinking up the whole house. How do I tell them that hen don’t lay cardboard?

When I call friends home for dinner, I feel like I’m cooking for a famine. Ms.Atkins makes sure that the rice from the neighbors plate doesn’t fall even on her skirt.

‘Do you have any protein?’

‘Here, take some beans’, I offer.

She rummages through the dustbin and pulls out the beans can, reads nutritional content and gasps audibly making sure other guests think I’ve mixed poison.

‘It has beans!’

Question marks replace black heads on my face.

'20 grams of Carbs, my dear! Just won’t do for me! I should have brought my protein shake.’

Then there is Ms. No-oil-in-any-form. ‘Oh, no oil for me in this dosa please.’

‘You might as well eat that newspaper you are reading. It will be as dry as that.’ I offer helpfully. The fact that the quality of my food will go down trying to cater to everyone’s whims and fancies is giving me the jitters. I sneak in some oil.

Trying to act nice, she doesn’t yell and scream. She takes and tissue and wraps the dosa and eats the tissue instead as they both look alike.

How can I forget Ms.Weight Watchers who carries the calorie to point converter software wherever she goes. ‘Idli is not a recognizable item in this database. I’m safer not eating it. Do you have donuts?’

Ms.Portion Control will actually use the smallest bowl in the kitchen to eat her food in so that she doesn’t over eat. I think the amount of times she walks into the kitchen to get the 7th, 8th and 20th helping is what’s keeping her sorta in the acceptable weight range.

Then there is this fella, the size of a thimble. He’s so thin that if he were the apple, he’d never fall off that tree and Newton would have never discovered gravity. He’s allergic to everything except fenugreek seeds. We went out to IHOP and he began his order.

‘A vegetable omelet please. No tomatoes, no onions, no mushrooms, no cheese please!’

The waiter scribbling frantically on his pad, looks distraught.

‘And I forgot. No eggs too.’ He meant not the real ones at least.

The waiter at this point loses it.

‘Mister, Please tell me you don’t want nothing!’

Thank God for me I have no motivation to lose weight!


AmitL said...

LOL.Twin,this is u in ur usual laff-raising element,I can say.. this the latest craze in the US of A?From Low fat to No fat?Can just imagine ur plight..helping u to slim too in the bargain.:)Good going.

AmitL said...

Footnote: Though,as u say,u don't have any motivation to lose weight..:)(Didn't I guess correctly,yesterday?)

Anonymous said...

Great to see you back alphu! I had a feeling you would do something like this (a.k.a returning with another blog) and you did live up to my expectations! ;)


P.S I was in your city this weekend...went down to Devon Street and walked around yelling out your name but you wouldnt respond :( :D

Leela said...

Huh? Huh?? Is this the US of A you're talking about? Super Size Me and all that?

garfy said...

Oh yayyyie.... Alpha is back! :) *wipes away sole tear*


Freaky people! But I can understand their plight... their trauma and their quirky habits. I have an elder sister! :P

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

I am currently endeavouring to lose weight through sheer mind power. I eat all I want and hope I'm not putting on any weight

Zoheb said...

Eggs in cardboard boxes!!! I never knew of such things. And here I was thinking I was no longer a tribesman because I was drinking doodh from cartons, though I was secretly longing for fresh from tabela stuff. Anyhoo, better than getting sent off to buy milk with a Sanifresh dabba by my aunty.

alpha said...

Amitl: the problem is now I tend to eat all the leftovers which is more than the food I prepare. So I dont know what slim me you are talking about.

Ash, this is not a Hindi movie you are in. You need to inform the person before hand to get any response. very bad!

Lee: I dont see any supersize people around me..that's the whole problem! It's a myth. Where are the alleged fat people?

Garfy: Good to see you here. Now are you calling me elder and quirky?

Shoe fiend : i need an axplanation to that name of yours. Other than that sweety, you have nothing to fear. You are fine the way you are! And yes take some tips,
-get photographed and be seen with fat people, marry a fat person
-wear high heels (1 foot at least)
-walk with shorter people

and lo, you can still continue to eat what you want and look amazingly thin! and also tell me if this mental thing is working for you. I might try it too.

Zo: Sanifresh? like sanitary napkins? Jeez! Did you know there is low fat water?

Zoheb said...

Nahi!! Sanifresh as in Sanitary ware cleaning liquid. As for low fat water, I couldn't care less, I have been on no-fat water all along.

garfy said...

Call YOU elder and quirky? Now why on earth would I do that? :P

Anonymous said...

sorry for not informing. sudden trip. There is always a next time :)


Rash said...

Rolling! You're very good you know! I'd have stopped inviting people.

GratisGab said...

So Zo was sent on mission carrying Sanifresh dabbas. He is my star Earthy friend.

Alpha on the other hand is the prissy low-fat eating variety herself though she tries to be Earthy by hiking and all that. Doesn't work.

People, ask what a calorie-counter she herself is!!!

alpha said...

zo: I hope the milk cleaned up your innards!

rash: actually they are a very happy bunch if just just fed them low-fat yogurt.

gabby: kya be? chup kar. wrong thing inviting you here. Me and count calories? Identity crisis ho gaya raba raba! Who was the one who ate pizza without cheese and base?

anantha said...

Alpha: These new fangled diets confuse me. Nothing works better than "healthy eating" and regular exercise. Ask me :)

Patrix said...

You need to lose weight? I guess, I need to visit and see you again sometime soon.

Anonymous said...

anti: why ask? i can see your foto and conclude certain things.

patty:i said i dont have motivation to lose weight. oh well, the people who are into these diets are much much thinner than me.

Twilight Fairy said...

sigh.. i dont have any motivation either.. even unthinkable weight gain isnt 'moti'-vating me :p

@mit said...

Round is a shape -- I like it on me and my wife is ok with it... so I live and let others live

Lovely post -- cannot stop chuckling


alpha said...

@mit - Thanks! That's a good philosophy! you go to MIT?

Pallavi said...

EGAHHHHHH *covering her ears and runnning wildly away...*