Friday, February 10, 2006

Move before the walls collapse on me

It’s normal for me to come back from work and get surprised in some way or the other. No no, not the husband cooking for me, lighting candles and putting garland on my portrait kinda surprise. That sorta thing will surely facilitate my name becoming a part of statistics for heart attack deaths. I was talking about pleasant ones like someone parking their car on my spot. I look forward to this. I rub my hands in glee, park my car in some public spot that I find after 20 minutes and a mile away from my apartment, lug myself back in the snow to the place where the culprit has parked his car. If you think this is too much work to derive pleasures from, stop bothering me in the middle of my narration. So I look around hoping the owner doesn’t suddenly appear when I am getting to the best part of the deal. I pull out my weapon- disgusting orange stickers that were handed to me by the building Supervisor, old man Jim. I peel them off and stick them liberally all over the car and proceed to my apartment feeling satisfied.

Old man Jim gave a stack of these stickers to calm me down once when I complained about the 100 bucks a month that I pay for the building parking. If I wanted exercise that bad, I would be giving the money to the gym, I argued. He said the building covered their basis and that it wasn’t their fault. Yes, there is a nondescript sign behind the bushes that says-… wait let me go closer to check what it says- Not Public Parking. Violators will be towed at their own expense. Apparently towing companies weren't told. The stickers would do the trick, he said. The stickers are really difficult to remove and can cause public humiliation. It says- Illegal Parking- Can be Towed. I wonder why I still see cars with scraped off stickers on my spot every day.

Yesterday I got back from work and lo!.. no stray car (sticker seemed to have worked at last) and so I glided into my spot and was wondering what I could do with all that extra time I had saved. As I was thinking of ways, I stepped into the elevator and tried to hit the 5 button after the door closed. It (the elevator) decided to retire from services just after I had walked in. The sinking feeling was not mental… the elevator actually was going below the first floor and came to a jerking halt. Swell! All my life I had been waiting for this moment. Now I can press that red button that says ‘In case of Emergency’ without feeling stupid. With trembling fingers, I gingerly pressed the button fully expecting the earth to split open or worse, my hubby materializing from somewhere and smacking my hand in admonishment. Nothing happened. Maybe I should give it some time. Meanwhile I pressed the ‘Alarm’ button. I could hear a bird chirping in Alaska, but I didn’t hear any alarm going off.

Maybe I ought to panic at least now. Oh wait, I had a cell phone. I called Pi sitting on the fifth floor not aware of his wife’s captivity in the Venus flytrap. He said he would try getting me out. Try? Is that the word he used?! I asked him to get the fire department here for my rescue operation. They would know how to break open the door and would have the required equipment. I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t look as handsome as a fireman.

I could have called them myself, but then I had to use all my cell-phone charge in letting my friends know about my plight in the hope of getting them concerned. When they started talking about their dinner plans and recipes, I was beginning to be concerned if they were friends in the first place. Anyway, as I hadn’t heard from hubby and was beginning to form thoughts of him partying with his friends, I thought of something that I could do to salvage this situation. I pulled out my lipstick and touched up my makeup. Eventually Pi would get hungry and they would save me and there might be local press. I better look good.

After an excruciating hour, I heard a faint knock and Pi asked me if I was still there. I screamed, ‘Do you think I had that much alcohol to just evaporate? Is the Fire Department here finally?’

I heard some pushing and shoving of the door and old man Jim’s drunk voice, ‘Hope you have a magazine to keep you busy. Hahaha!’

‘I wish I had planned this, Jimmy. I would have even brought some chips and coke and done some accounts while I am here.’ I was convinced that the building authorities had a problem only with me. I am the center of some building politics here. Victim of hate crime.

After what seemed like a complete waste of my time, the door slid open as I was sitting on the elevator floor twiddling my thumbs. No cameras straining to catch a glimpse of me, no neighbors standing with flowers, no CNN reporters, not even the friggin firemen. Just drunk ol’ Jim apologizing and feeling pleased with himself as I climbed out of the elevator shaft from somewhere between the basement and the ground floor. Life went back to being sucky just when it seemed promising.

This time I didn’t bother getting on the other elevator in spite of Jim’s assurance through his drunken teeth. Took the stairs. Fancy how nature conspires in making sure I get my daily dose of exercise.

45 comments:

Zoheb said...

Arre y didnt u call me I would have saved you. And this is not known as a hate crime. This is called an act of God.

alpha said...

arey saaley..call tho kiya..you were one of those 'friends' who didn't even pick up the phone. Hearfelt Thanks.

Zoheb said...

Arre voicemail you should have screamed - "Mujhe bachaaaooo Mujhe bachaaaoooo". Aise hi thodi Superman will save you.

alpha said...

superman ka phone number nahin tha mere pass

?! said...

I DID give you my number.

You asked me to take one.

:(

Siggghhh.

Chakri said...

got to have a great sense of humour to make such a horrible situation so funny.

poor alpha, u r gonna live to be 150. ;-)

B o o said...

Real funny post:)
Did you call India and told your situation to your parents when you were in the elevator? Thats one place you will get the pity you want in any situation! What would we do without cellphones?

Anonymous said...

achachoo...:(

dxb prasad said...

you better change somethings, so such situations dont recur .. make up your mind .. what can it be? your residence? car? hubby? friends? yourself? returning timings? country of residence? ..

btw, dxb stands for dubai .. and just to let you know, i have my own blog now .. you are linked. wanna check?

http://xpatriotix.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

awesome blog...as a fellow ex IITMian let me tell you that I am jealous of your hubby...how did he manage to snag you?!!...I'll go for a girl who can write half as funny as you can...of course its argueable if anyone will go for me;-)

SG

alpha said...

?!: Am I getting a strange feeling that you are calling yourself superman, that too without any warning? Send me picture of cape and chaddi and self will be convinced.

boo: my parents are worse. They would have asked me not to bother Pi and try to figure out ways on how I could cook from the elevator. Too much stress that would be.

anon: could u expand on that plz.

chakri: thanks...but why 150 years what do u have against me?

prasad: wow..checked ur blog man. you are prolific...thats nice. now I guess my comment box will not see any interesting stories anymore.:(

SG: Gee thanks buddy! I ought to copy-paste that comment and send an email to hubby everyday and also stick it on our coffee mugs.

?! said...

Agent 007 : Refuse to send any pics, esp in jetties, without a specific USC 2257 waiver.

Wait, methinks one read this wrong.

"Send me picture of cape"

OK, will do ...

"and chaddi and self will be convinced"

Errrm. Hum bolega toh bologe ki bolta hai.

As for the elevator, it would've been a perfect place for you to take a break.. unless they had Muzak playing.

In which case forget the breakdown theory, tis a conspiracy.

D.N.A. said...

Alpha, you should have been more careful with your posts! I'm sure your 'nick' name post and elevator breakdown have no connection whatsoever! But still, for the next few days, do not order food deliveries, do not open the door, walk on the inside edge of the curbside and more importantly do not start any cars. Take care and lets all pray for alpha's safety.

B o o said...

Alpha, you have a point. I forgot that angle. "You are stuck? Achacho, maapillai enna pannuvaar saapatuku"? Yes, I can see the picture loud and clear! LOL!

Zero said...

Alpha,
cool post, there! this blog is getting into my system, sure.

Hardu said...

Gosh! This was really funny. The best part was the putting on lipstick part of it. ha ha ha

Had atleast Pi cooked something to makeup for what you had to go through?

anantha said...

Boo: LOL.. nice imagination...

Alpha: Was this last Friday, btw, the same day when I was threatened with mortal injury? If so, serves you right! But, if not, hang in there. Tough are the tribulations one has to endure to fit into a pair of trousers/ green long skirt that one loves to death. Rest assured cos the fruits of hard labor are sweet.

WA said...

Wow, Alpha & Boo I am so impressed with your thinking. Amazing stuff and so true :)

dxb prasad said...

hey, keep a daily exercise of taking stairs. if u must, then next time get stuck ONLY in shower cubicle of your bathroom. i'm sure lots of people will come rushing to help u out. then u can take stares.

dxb prasad said...

btw, i will still drop stories in ur comment box provided u leave urs in my comment box. deal??

alpha said...

?!: Now I am agent 007? You do hire fancy agents, don't u. Hope you are aware of my fees.

dna: What? Are you saying the IITians are conspiring against me? Or cud it be just Pi? Jeez! I better not turn on the stove, cut vegetables are any such dangerous activities. Thanks for warning.

boo: egzactly!

zero: thanks, Hope you dont have system failure soon.

hardu: Pi-cooked-something? Though these words seem English, they don't make sense together..

anti: I said yesterday in my post..so it was Thursday. lol, I still fit into my trousers and skirt..anymore excersise won't be good.

dubai: not expected from 50 year olds. need to send some dettol/surf to wash your dirty mind. send me address asap.

wa: My mom is so worried that maapillai has cereal to eat for breakfast. hmf next janam..i want to be a jammai raja.

?! said...

Alpha, meeru 50 years olda ?

Trying to make sense of reply to dxb.

Oh well, probably means something else in their country.

:))

?! said...

"Hope you are aware of my fees."

Mmmm. "The best things in life are for free".

"Simply the best, better than all the rest".

"There aint nothing called a free lunch".

So we'll do dinner.

Sigh, usual cliche attack. Think shall lie down and it will pass.

chitra said...

"I could hear a bird chirping in Alaska, but I didn’t hear any alarm going off." He he he too good Alpha !!

Barath said...

may be u shud change the sticker tags...and stick it up on the people inside the elevator!

Illegal Parking- Can be Towed

and from next time may be you shud take some coke and chips...jus in case of emergency!

alpha said...

?!: Let me use your trick of rambling without meaning and see where it goes.

Who is Meeru? And why is she having dinner with you- pass pass?

chits baby: thanks.

barath: You either don't like me much or have been drinking way more than me. Why wud I stick things on live people? but your coke and chips idea might have made me believe you are still my friend.

dxb prasad said...

hey thnx .. great compliment! didnt know i look 28 years younger :)

and do send me those things .. wanna disinfect the place. lotsa american crawlies (without sense of humor) here. dont know why they dont get trapped in elevator shaft - for good! any suggestions?
;|

btw, ask anti for the address ..

dxb prasad said...

oh forgot .. happy valentine's day! enjoy chocolates, roses and lovely cards from the secret admirers .. no stickers for them for the rest of the year even if they park in your slot. :)

alpha said...

dubai: a 78 year old man talking of parking in slots?! *shudder* u dont need disinfectants, you need counseling dude! chapter closed with you on this subject.

Chakri said...

150 years 'coz u got such a happy disposition.

Quizman said...

Alpha,

Ha! If you really had presence of mind, you'd have sing "Lift Karadey."

Alas, what a missed opportunity.

Quizman said...

sing =>sung

Barath said...

You dint get the hidden meaning of the statement..and yes I was way too drunk!

Srinivas said...

Sometimes Murphy just stays with us and demonstrates all the laws!

Patrix said...

Wonder if you sang Mujh ko bhi lift kara de in the morning :) ok ok...that was a bad one.

Patrix said...

damn! Quizman got to that one before I did....shyaay!

pingoo said...

stuck in elevator ? :( paavam anda elevator ku bore adichi sethurkum !!

Anonymous said...

alpha, you should've called a local radio station from the elevator & you wouldve gotten the fame you wanted ;) or better yet, get a fancy phone which you can blog from.That way we can send you sympathy(or laugh our guts out...) from thousands of miles away ;)
-fishy

KJ said...

happy valentine's day to u & pi...

:-))

KJ

AmitL said...

LOLOL..Twin,that was some experience...first,with the yellow stickers...can just imagine u moving around like with a wicked grin on face, to put the stickers on the illegally parked car.(Waise,isn't that too tame a way to do things?)And,ur 'elevating' experience...hahahahahahahha...I'm still grinning(though u mustn't have,when u realized u're stuck)..and,lucky Pi...(he got a few hours of peace,I bet)..err,did u analyze why the lift went down in the first place?Was the weight more than allowed?????*grin grin grin*...don't kill me for that remark,pls.Couldn't resist it.

alpha said...

quizzie/ Patty: Thanks to you, I have that song stuck in my head..my poor colleagues are getting treated to it all day..aise waison ko diya hai!

fishy: now that is the best idea I heard in this comment box. Next time I am stuck, I will finish singing Lift Karadey, paste stickers on people's foreheads, cook for Pi, call Superman, and then do as you told me.

KJ-same to u.

barat: plz to explain.

amit- Darn! I never thought of that. need to hit gym badle. Public nuisance you are! lucky Pi? mere friends, kahan ho tum log?

Pingoo: paavam lift? that's a new one!

srinivas: it's almost like Murphy has no place else to go.

phatichar said...

You should've sung 'mere jeevan saathi...' (from ek dujhe ke liye) ;)

alpha said...

phatichar: only if kamal hassan was there with me..otherwise i wud look like a fool, no?

Anonymous said...

Don't the pictures of the song (Remix-wherein Aiyesha Takia dances to the tune) ... "Nahi nahi... abhi nahi... abhi nahi piya..." flash in your mind when you hear this narration :-) (the leading lady lost in a kaput lift). A nice one though.

I sincerely like your style of writing. Great going. Keep it up. I like someone else who writes like you do. thebangaloretorpedo.blogspot.com (lest u wanna know - inga Tamil makkalai konjam taakuvaanga.. kandukaadheenga...).

Regards,
Mez

Phuk said...

*bows*

Too Good that thing u've got...
...What they call frigging sense o' hammer...

Proudly bookmarking u