Tuesday, April 04, 2006

More Lame Excuses

Nope, nothing! I mean nothing exciting happened during the past few days except for a few torrid affairs. I also have a chronic heart disease that unfortunately won’t kill me. Yes, the hall ticket arrived by mail yesterday. Figured I need to get back to damn studies. Pi says I can remove the winter cap I am wearing (for containing knowledge in the head) as I have nothing in there yet. It might prevent stuff from going in. Good point! It’s also not a good sign when I am still battling to find a good place to do this ‘assimilation of knowledge for betterment of society’. Of the options I have tried, sitting on a railroad track and working out problems seems like the best bet.

Home was considered as the first option, but was quickly ruled out when I realized that I can’t seem to focus with the TV on. Turn it off, you say? (hahaha* sarcastic laugh, in case you didn’t get it) Frankly, I don’t think our TV has the capability of switching off. I am also made to believe that my hubby will just self combust if things stopped moving in the TV. Pi's internal functions are controlled by the flickering and blaring of the TV. His pancreatic juices react with his food at the sight of Anna Devlantes blabbering away on NBC5. There’s proof that his white blood cells and red blood cells do their work diligently when Seinfeld takes over. He smiles and sometimes chuckles too. Proof of life is all I need to make sure that I cook some food for him too. When he moves, it's within the TV's line of sight (that's why the fridge is in the living room). If I whine, stomp, fake headaches and act as if the world will split apart, I’ll be treated to lowering of the sound from a 29 to a 23. Lord be praised! If he feels extra generous or if I have created enough noise to cause neighborhood cops to stop by, he’ll put the TV on mute while squinting to read the sub-titles sitting 3 inches from Larry King’s wrinkled nose. If cable companies are running low on profit margins, they know which house to blame. When he called me this afternoon, I couldn’t recognize his voice without the background commercials.

Hence the only place I can study with some prevailing sanity is in the kitchen somewhere between the masala dabba and the dustbin. Next thing I know, all my (borrowed) books are smelling of sambar and burnt brinjal curry. Very soon, hubby might just eat the books while making love to the TV. In the interest of protecting my books, I decided to try the public library... I mean, no TV, right?

But I didn’t account for stalkers and lawn mowers. This black lady has something against the Indian race and every time I settle down in a secluded corner in the building, she starts hurling out abuses (something about Desis not liking her hair style) and then coolly sits right across giving dirty looks. This happened three times to me. I mean, its fine.. free speech and all…but staring is what makes me slightly uncomfortable. Can’t even pick my nose in peace.

So I had to pack up and leave to another area where this man was happily ensconced on a sofa sleeping. I thought, awww…poor homeless fella. So nice that they can use the library facilities to take afternoon naps. I took another ten minutes settling down..opening calculator, pen, pencil, book1, book 2, book 3, chewing gum, air freshener,making sure cell phone works and checking the mirror. Just when I positioned myself to tackle a problem, this person started snoring. What started off as a puppy’s whimper turned into a battery operated sludge incinerator in a few seconds. Couldn’t take it anymore and this time I had resolved not to move again.

I called out ‘Sir Sir!’

He stirred. Looked at me ‘Ehh?’

‘Sir, you are snoring way too loudly. I can’t sleep.’

‘Now that you’ve rudely woken me up, I don’t think I can go back to sleep!’

Didn’t know if I should be sorry or thankful.

Oh well, he got his revenge by snorting or coughing or sneezing every 3 seconds. I was done with the library and its policy of being a refuge for random psychos. Notice humanitarian me just fell off the cliff.

I took my bags and was about to leave in a huff when good old man admitted that people had complained about his snoring before (in the same library- four times today) and that he needs to get this operation done.

‘Which one?’ my anger turning to curiosity. ‘My husband snores too when he isn’t watching TV. At nights I dream of silence and a shattered Panasonic TV.’

So we had a pretty nice conversation and I bid him farewell and moved on to my next testing ground – the railway tracks.

36 comments:

bloghopper said...

How lame ! The excuses that is !!

shub said...

yeah how lame :p
have u tried tha bathroom yet? I mean yoiu can even pick your nose in peace :p
(since that seems to be a huuuge criterion!)

alpha said...

shub: just that the people who loaned me their books might prefer smell of burnt brinjal to smell of burnt brinjal remnants that spent a night in my intestine. I hope that imagery was good enough to carry you through the day.

D.N.A. said...

Ewwww! Nose goop and intestinal remnants...sheesh...

AmitL said...

LOL,Twin,I see u're back in ur element...'a battery operated sludge incinerator ' -the thought of hearing such a sound had me grinning...Suggestion- u must try to travel in the III tier AC compartment of Indian Railways,someday...overnight trip,of course...all the sounds u heard will pale in comparison.:)

Fishy said...

i think you should follow shub's suggestion and try the bathroom...it used to work for me...
and..it will keep pi from being tempted to eat your books for sure LOL....

pavan kumar said...

these are the times when you might feel the need of 'husband sitting' :D madarn society aa?

alpha said...

dna: whacha acting all prim and propah for?

amitl: well of course, but personally i love the rambling noise of the train and that drowns all others. perfect for mugging formulae.

fishy: what is your educational qualification, if i may ask..

pavan: NEED of husband sitting? NO ..you getting it wrong..we need him standing and more importantly moving around.

WA said...

HaHa funny as usual Alpha. Good luck with the exams.

Ravages said...

:D - battery operated whateverator.

D.N.A. said...

After a sumptuous dinner, I was not very looking forward to reading about remnants, but now that I'm hungry, yeah, I'll let it slide.

Zoheb said...

This is disgusting!! Just goes to show how the typical desi male is out to ruin his wife's career. When you fail your exams dontcha worry, all of us know it is Pi to blame. Poor alpha. Kayka lame excuses. These are 100% jhakaas excuses.

Hardu said...

So did you study well at the railway tracks? :P

Me said...

...y struggle alpha....get the answer paper from someone who has studied well...copying is bad....no copying...just get the answer paper write ur name and give it.....:p

alpha said...

wa, ravages: hiya! thanks.

dna, i trust that you had a nice sumptuous lunch. just remember that the burp is your fart that lost its way.

zo: i do get support from the least expected sources. thanks re. i hope my company buys these excuses too.

hardu: not really, 10 minutes down the line, a train came by and ran over my books... that's the end of my studying career.

alpha said...

me: how many more years to your phd? just asking to see if advice is sound.

Zoheb said...

Methinks you should sue Pi. But wait until October...

anantha said...

hmmmm....

Jo said...

why dont you try studying with someone else who is taking the same exam?

D.N.A. said...

"...burp is your fart that lost its way"

That's deep!

Hardu said...

So the train ran over your books? Good riddance! Now you don't have to take up the exams anymore as you dont have books to study from. :P

pavan kumar said...

I had similar probs with roomies, and tried sitting under street light to study. I couldnt gather much knowledge, but surely gathered some change.

best of luck for PE!

dumbs said...

try your closet ...

pingoo said...

So you wanna find a place to study ! umm...y not try borders or some book shop like that..thats where I used to go. There is this doctor who performs a simple surgery(ten minutes) that can make a person stop snoring...after the surgery, he(not doctor) can just walk out and go to work...the only thing is it costs about 3000 I think.

phatichar said...

you could always try studying in the loo...100% privacy..and since hubby dear anyway doesn't see the need to use it, it could well be ur study.

Fishy said...

You may ask and for once i answer truthfully...BE, MS, MBA(in progress)...and some subjects i scrapped through after studying in the bathtub;) i swear....try it....

WA said...

"burp is your fart that lost its way" - ROTFL. Such profound thinking Alpha :))

Me said...

just 7 more yrs to my phd....i am going to start in 2008....part time la phd so it will take atleast 5 yrs....but dont under estimate my technique based on that....i have had 20 yrs of education u c.....

Anonymous said...

yo alpha,
good luck on the PE exam. Its not a small thing to accomplish.
btw, what did gabby name her baby? just curious.
take care,
paru

alpha said...

pingoo, i tried barnes and nobel..ending up eating and drinking from starbucks more than studying. also read a book call judaism for lesbos.

dumbs: how come i didnt think of that..need to get into a closet.

jalena: i aint telling anyone around me that i am planning on giving this. maha secret it is. What if...

phatichar and other loo enthusiasts: look here people..my loo looks like a loo..a commode, a sink and a bathtub all in 6X6 space. phew..that shud break your illusions of my loo looking like Akbar's nashe-de-darbar.

paru: thanks. gabby named her baby gabbar..without the singh.

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hmmm....

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chitra said...

Tee hee...back to 'picking nose' ?? :)

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