Thursday, February 08, 2007

Plead ‘Not Guilty’. Check.

Things you should know before you read this post.

I am addicted to car bumpers. The minute I see one in a vulnerable position (like parked in front of my car), I make sure I show my excitement by crashing into it. It happened once, twice, thrice before and now I am convinced that God is telling me something in Swahili.

My hubby, Pi, is addicted to any food that can potentially deposit itself in wrong places. The gleam in his eye when he sees a blueberry pie is only matched by the excitement he shows towards nacho cheese. I normally don’t seek such fast means to a heart failure, but have no control over myself when he is munching in front of me. They end up in my stomach without a fuss (the only fuss happens when I try to wrestle a chip out of Pi's hand) and show up later in my weighing scale. So it is in my extreme benefit to make sure Pi doesn’t walk around in the dessert aisle. One of the reasons why I was hiding this 'Free Pizza from Eating-Garden' coupon from him. (I won that coupon during an unlucky draw.)

Yes, these two aspects of my life are related. Read on.

On this rainy day (slippery road and all), I had an accident with the most benevolent soul this hemisphere could produce. She got out of her purple Volvo, with a purple jacket and purple hair band and started hurling the kind of language you’d only hear in remote Bihar or some shady parts of UP. Knowing very well (gauging by the color of her skin and jacket) that she wasn’t from these respectable parts of India, I came to realize that I was being spoken to in English. I said a quick ‘sorry’ and acted the part of innocent-foreigner-not-knowing-why-her-read end-jutted-out-so-much. I examined the situation from my car and my microscopic eyes concluded there was no damage to her car and her exalted self. Much ado about nothing! She stormed around her car and walked in. I assumed things were fine and that she would put her revolver away and maybe use it on migratory birds instead. But no, she was pissed that I wasn’t showing enough remorse, she jumped out of the car again and screamed, ‘Pull over Bitch!’ I felt bad for the amount of stress she was under. Maybe she got some horrid Christmas present from her boyfriend. I do not want to speculate the reason for her trauma, but I sure wished I had created a nice dent on her car. I would rather take abuses for something substantial.

So I followed her like Marry’s little lamb all the time seething in rage about someone with a purple hair band creating a dent in my perfect day. All the while, I was staring at her bumper looking for a scratch of some sort. After making me follow her for a mile, she pulled over in a parking lot near my apartment complex. I decided to spare her more agony of yelling at me and saw an opportunity to put her out of misery. I fled. Don’t ever do this unless you plan on fleeing this country too. I parked my car next to my apartment complex and ran inside only to be confronted with Pi who panicked on the prospect of giving refuge to a convict and he urged me to go find her and exchange information in the rightful way. Bah! Whatever! I hate these plesantaries.

I didn’t have to go far as Ms.Purple was right there, stomping about angrily around my car.

‘Hi’, I said amicably.

‘What is this apartment name?’, she asked not so amicably.

‘Jicamma Muniamma,’ I replied.

‘She lives in Jicamma Muniamma. I see her car parked here. She must have ran into her apartment. We’ll find her.’ she blasted to someone on a phone.

‘I am her,’ I tried to explain.

‘Oh its you!’, dumbfounded at first, she suddenly became indignant. ’Talk to the cops. I don’t want to waste time talking to you.’

I felt like hugging her for not putting me through the torture of talking to her.

It was pouring now. She sat inside her car waiting for the cops to arrive while I sat in my toasty apartment sipping tea wanting to pack and leave to India for good. It's too cold here.

For what took almost an hour, the cops came. She screamed, huffed and puffed, pointing fingers at me.

‘Which intersection was it ma’am?’ the cop asked after having to hold his breath for 10 minutes while she spewed venom.

‘Kalthappa Ave and Muthanna Rd’, she hissed.

‘That will be under Gooseyland Jurisdiction. You may have to call them.’

So after three sets of cops arrived in the scene, they couldn’t still ascertain which jurisdiction that particular intersection would come under.

Needless to say, I was enjoying inefficiency for the first time. Very sadly the right cops came to the scene and were taken by the woman’s story, especially the fact that she was standing in the rain for two and a half hours straight. They asked for my story. They called her the victim and me a criminal. The way I was being talked to, any passer-by (that included three guys in the apartment complex who moved out last week) would think I lopped off a few people and dashed away.

I told them that the so called victim used foul language so I panicked as I wasn’t used to hearing such bad words in the protected world I live in (which isn’t entirely false as I find Tom and Jerry violent). I wanted to deal with such a character in familiar surroundings (actually I didn’t want to deal with her at all. I was hoping she would give up) with my husband by my side (extra brownie points for pativrata stree angle). Who knew, she could have shot me. I didn’t have my cell phone (which was true) to alert the cops.

After much debate and rants, from a criminal offense of fleeing the accident scene, I was given a lesser charge of careless driving. I got my traffic violation ticket by mail.

I contested that.

Stay tuned for ‘Court case and Pizza base'


Zoheb said...

First comment!!! Ha ha - I am the only person reading ur stuff these days.

I wasn’t used to hearing such bad words in the protected world I live in

What a lie, byatch!!

alpha said...

don't laugh so much pyare..someone might see you here!


aur us kutte ki joru ne tera kya bigara?

alpha said...

it actually shows your careless attitide towards my blog hwen you aren't linking your own blog. time has come for that chullu bar paani.

Chakri said...

remember..this is exactly the incident that happened to me long back. btw, did this really happen to u?

now that u r out of ideas, looks like u have started taking notes from other ppls lives.


D.N.A. said...

No wonder no posts! Busted in amish country. Shame shame....

alpha said...

chaks: haialla! You wore a red hair band and screamed at some poor Indian girl who looked like an angel? Shame ON YOU...anyway sorry to break thy bubble. not an inspired story. at some instances (when insurance rates went high), I wished it happened only to you.

dna: you think thats the only thing I was upto eh? you underestimate me thola.

Patrix said...

Yay! you are back with a crash story. Again?? I pity poor Pi. What were you doing meekly submitting to a barrage of verbal attack..doesn't suit a 'Madrasi' woman (check my blog for context before you hurl insults my way)

shub said...

Yeesh! Bring in the racist angle woman, then the whole Indian blogosphere will be behind you in support against this injustice!:P

Anonymous said...

LOL !!! Hope your car is ok :-)

Hehhh said...

Butt seriously, maybe you shoulda told her Pi was a mafioso on the run or something.

upsilamba said...


kalthappa is a mallu snack and muthanna a mallu veg.

btw, if I remember right, you were also ticketed for crossing a school bus w/ STOP sign.

maybe driving is not your forte, alpha. ever considered walking for a change? well, coming to think of it -- maybe no, what if you bump rear end to other passerbys.

alpha said...

Patty: Yay? Sheesh!
Oh well I did enough to spite her in my own way. zoomed off as she tried to pull me over. It was an exhilarating experience till i saw that she followed me. Then I made her wait outside while i waited in the apt...then I didnt get convicted for criminal offense as she hoped...then I contested even the careless driving thing... so she is maha pissed believe me. This Madrasi just can't yell back (my energies are better used elsewhere)..need to check your post. heard abt the stir saket has created.

shub: You want to put me in par with shilpa shetty.YOIKES!

anon: My car is perfect. My car thanks you as you are the only one who cares..

hehh: Pi might have to become a don going by what all he has to deal with.

upsi: kalthappa and Muthanna are my dear Coorgi friends. you barbarians eat them as snacks???!

True true..driving is surely not a career option for me but to my defense there are some states where I havent got a ticket.

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