Thursday, November 15, 2007

Gori tera gaon bada pyara

Just like everyone else (except of course Sonia Gandhi), I arrived in America to do my masters. Yuck, not really. I wasn’t a part of any kinky slave trade. Rephrasing, I came to the United States to study like the throngs of other Tam Brams. I saw more eligible bachelors in Gainesville, Florida, than I ever saw in Tamil Nadu. I tidied up my horoscope and brought out the best jasmine strand and waited to be wooed by the ultimate pick-up line, ‘Which college did you pass out of?’

But alas, the desi boys were busy savoring the culture and trying hard to fit in. The same eligible bachelors spent majority of their waking day walking in slow motion, gawking at American couples making out (from a safe distance of 2 feet). Slow motion became motionless when a particular fair lady came bouncing along in what could be construed as a ‘shimmy’ in India. Most of our boys suffered from acute eyeball-to-lowball syndrome. Every endowed female of the Caucasian clan could only avert her gaze so much 'coz wherever she looked, she saw a Desi staring at her popping cleavage. She would have to smile if there was eye-contact, thus pushing our brethren into the deep abyss of sleepless nights and lone activities. Lord was to be praised if even one guy had his window facing the apartment swimming pool. Some brave ones would venture into the pool only to drown in estacy of being in the same body of water as the body of blonde and eventually be saved by his trunks turning into sails. This happened for much of the first semester. As you might have guessed, my jasmine flower strand just withered away in abject despair. I started to question my decision to come to the United States.

By second semester, a few rude shocks shook our men to reality:
1. The girls didn't care much for the 3 inch thick glasses, VIP designer frenchies and open mouths.
2. The girls didn’t make idli-sambar
3. They didn’t smell like their mom
4. They couldn’t integrate or for that matter differentiate
5. They owed a lot of themselves to their surgeon.
6. They weren’t female. (Some guys were lucky not to reach that point of discovery)

(Oh well, other than #1, everything was a manifestation of my imagination combined with natural flair for over-emphasizing.)

Just when the desi guys frantically turned to their mothers for procuring the vendakka curry recipe that would definitely impress me, I met Andy.

Stay tuned.


Chakri said...


what was it about wisconsin?

Alpha said...

cant imagine wearing shimmies in sunny florida it was..waht are you smoking? what is n-questionmark?

Zoheb said...

Andy and shimmies would go well together I say.

anantha said...

ROTFL! Where does Pi fit into all this? :D

Thankfully, you seem to have gotten out of that "I want new friends and a home in Pittsburgh" phase. Whew! Long overdue only.

Chakri said...

n is...and then what?????

and the comment abt wisconsin was a carry over from the last entry.

Alpha said...

note to self: never force a guy to comment.

anti: yes, high time! thankful to the sucky winter of pittsburgh (blah me if you want more info on that and the fact that we didnt buy a home) I was remined of shimmy weather in good ol florida and of course Andy.

chakri: ok.

Rationale said...

And here I was thinking that it was the GUYS who came here looking for a bride

(not the other way around, tsk, tsk! be a lady!)

Alpha said...

rationale: are you saying you didn't come sashaying with a fishing rod that had my brother's name on it? oh come on, that fishing rod even had bits of puri/chole/gulabjamoon and all the food he liked hooked to it. My poor innocent baby brother just swimming in the sea.

Vee Cee said... do my masters. Yuck, not really. I wasn’t a part of any kinky slave trade.
vintage alpha!!! welcome back!

...trunks turning into sails
sooooooooo....some strategic staring done by yoo too, huh!! naughty! naughty!

bloghopper said...

"She would have to smile if there was eye-contact, thus pushing our brethren into the deep abyss of sleepless nights and lone activities"

LOL @ the lone activities ! How would you know, alpha ?

Alpha said...

vee cee & bee ech: Its called the research one has to do as a writer.

Vee Cee said...

haven't you seen 'Seinfeld'. lone activities are very important for deep sleep.
vaaaat research!!! tottttal waist only!!

sidkc said...

loooooved the kick in the groin :p good luck with andy ;)

Anonymous said...

I might repent keying this. But who or what is Andy?


Alpha said...

vee cee: no man, i didnt have to watch seinfeld to figure that out. actually not a fan. love fraizer.

sidkc:thank you.

amy: andy is someone/something you'll get introduced to soon. patience is a necessary evil.

bloghopper said...

You could've easily done this research while you were in Manipal ! Ekdum waiste wonly, I tell ya !!

Rash said...

Kya re! Why this Ekta Kapoor style pause...finish, finish.

Alpha said...

bh: ok why are the two of you (vc included) going waist waist? its so mallu movie types..

rash: oh sorry..didnt realise I cater to the saas-bahu audience who's had their share of afternoon tele. was hoping to get away with it as orginal.
if u notice, no impactful repeats liek ANDY....ANDY...ANDY!

Ravages/CC said...

Brilliant writing. Brilliant.

Rationale said...

No fishing rod, I dont like seafood. (Only Gulab Jamoon, Chole, etc etc)

Like to say other things too, but taking into account family and all thats 'holy' about it ... :D