Thursday, September 08, 2005

The dilemma of being a man

God forbid you are a guy born in this day and age. Oh, so you are. My heartfelt sympathies. I know society is very hard on you and I figured I'd compile a list for easy reference when in doubt. If you are gay, you have enough problems as it is, so you are exempt from this study. But if you claim to be as straight as an arrow, here are ze commandments you need to follow to be a man.

1. Thou shalt unconditionally love sports… the rougher the better. Affiliation to a certain team is must… be it the Mylapore cricket team or the Northwestern Wildcats football team. No rooting for the local Hubbard Hags knitting league. Woe be you if you are caught watching the food channel.

2. You need be on top of Bush (that one too, but this time I am talking of bad things), latest happenings in Chechnya, dips in the Wall Street and Natalie Holloway’s case (hoever dragging) at the same time. When asked about your company’s sustainability report, thou shalt blurt it out.

3. Thou shalt be the ultimate handyman and use parts of the body as a tool kit. Feign ignorance about opening up the vacuum cleaner and not able to locate the scrubber drier, and thou shalt be doomed.

4. Thou shalt not take the easy way and listen to all-knowing astute wife for the fear of being labeled hen-pecked.

5. Manliness doesn’t permit you to talk about clothes with other buddies. You like his shirt..cool.. Just don’t express your feelings on how you were looking for one just like that. Clothes excitement should be limited only to ugly shiny sport jerseys with the number of your brain cells typed boldly at the back.

6. Your face could be a pimple fest and resemble mice-eaten cheese, but thou shalt not be seen with a face mask or any such alleviation techniques.

7. Thou shalt come out stinking from the bath, but will never use the Raspberry Burst body wash sitting in front of your eyes when the normal soap is over. Aromatherapy should be confined to spraying air freshner after the normally stinky crap session. Candles are for kinky stuff only.

8. Thou shalt strive hard and worry endlessly about a bright future ahead with a career that says- Wife, you can relax and cater to your hobbies; my salary will provide for your shopping sprees, your dream holidays and support your extended family too.

9. Thou shalt be able to tackle big bad guys, the way Rajni Kanth does but without the cigarette-juggling. Trying to avoid dark alleys and rolling car windows can be safely construed unmanly.

10. Sense of humor is a must. When your woman cajoles you to crack her up with a tantalizing joke because she says she is having a depressing day, thou shalt not hand over “Vivek’s Comedy” DVD (like Pi did once. He is doomed to be less of a man now.) When asked to be taken out to an expensive place, a gas station is not the right destination. Sucky sense of humor will not be appreciated.

11. If not getting any, thou shalt show extreme frustration by spending time obsessively on X-Box, strumming on guitar or watching porn...whichever you can afford. Eve teasing is also an option in some parts though not recommended because it is a sure shot give-away.

12. Thou shalt fear the word 'cute' for no apparent reason.

13. Thou shalt not fear roller coasters, horror movies, cockroaches, snakes…….

….the list goes on. Basically, tsk tsk.

54 comments:

Rhyncus said...

Sigh, so much done, so many yet to be done. And you say there is still more?
Umm, does watching the food channel and not being caught count?

alpha said...

rhyncus, that shall be a secret between us...I thought you just ate food prepared by other people all along. Hopefully it's not a recipe channel on how to make tarts with just the right hint of mint.

don't tell me u are up so late watching the food network???!!!

Parna said...

lol. man o man! so many out there.

but i think, secretly all men are a little metrosexual. just do a good cover job.

Mustang said...

13. Thou shalt not admit this list is funny!

:-) said...

Hey, I dont like sports, I like Bush, I occassionally use a face scrub, I love Rajni Kanth, I use Mysore Sandal Soap, I am afraid of Roller Coasters but hate the word Cute. Now please dont tell me I am not a man. Pleeeeahse.

Saltwater Blues said...

ha! I bet there r lots of women here who'd kill to be a man!

anantha said...

Alpha: Good one.. We guys do have something about each of those points mentioned, but for slightly different reasons than those hinted at.
For starters, our affliations to a particular team similar to drooling over the likes of Tom Cruise and the types. The fanatical ones dont stop even if their better halves are right next to them. This statement is as true in case of women and handsome movie star hunks as it is about guys and their fav sports teams ;)
And I can't agree with that one about the candles. Candles = Light, nothing more :p
And who said sports jerseys are ugly? What about that violet and gold one that my man Shaq used to wear in LA? Or the black and red one he wears now in Miami?
Pi's a Vivek fan too? Arrambichitaarya Aarambichittar!
Btw, I stopped using face packs when I realized my cousin was actually screaming in fright one early morning when she got out of her bedroom and walked past the bathroom to see me at the sink with some yucky cucumber face pack. Whats with women and getting feigning fright at the slightest hint?

anantha said...

ok ya, forgot to mention. Roller coasters make my stomach queasy. Horror movies I don't care much about, esspecially because I fear that I *might* see dead people. Cockroaches and snakes though, are jujubee. In high school, I was known as the guy who volunteered first to go and catch a snake that had gotten into a junior classroom. It's another matter that the teacher did not choose me at all (she chose 5 people to go inside the room and search for the aforementioned snake) :p

Parna said...

SwB: go suck eggs! the reverse is basically true. search deep.

alpha said...

parna: Hit the nail on the head girl... they just won't admit that they hate being trapped in a false personality.:)
We girls have it way too easy. We could love sport (it's cool), hate sports (we are artsy, hate cooking (it's mod), not earn (it's sacrifice), hate politics (it's normal)....and the list goes on.

musty: it's not supposed to be. This is serious.

salty: yeah RITE! search deep and yes..suck them eggs too.

:-): that's very confusing dude..I dont know how to classify you. With your love for X-box and mysore sandal, you are a boy blossoming into an old woman.

anti: face pack?! Jeezus! I am learning new stuff abt you everyday! I forgot a salient point.
THOU SHALT NOT TAKE PHOTOGRAPHS BEHIND FLOWERS, esp Tulips..unless that is the name of a cheerleader.
Yuck @ any color jersey!

Pi is anything Tamil fan...anything like tamarind, tamagucci, tamela anderson get him excited.

Zoheb said...

Alpha in form eh :-) Gosh, I still remember the ugly face my mom made when I told her that I couldn't fix up a VCR to a TV. And yeeeeessshhh, we dont talk about clothes because we dont notice it, unless a girl is wearing very little.

For the first time in a long time I am self impressed :-) I have fulfilled so many of the 12 commandments. Thanks alphoo

Candles are for kinky stuff only
I was unaware of this concept. Please explain.

BTW, I rescued two damsels in distress last week. My manliness++.

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

aiyayyo! shiva shiva! what i have married then?

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

also whats wrong with Vivek's comedy cd?

Anonymous said...

Hmm.. so I am an old woman? Thanks for letting me know who I am. I wasted twelve days at Vipassana. But wait, who do I attribute all the sex drive to?

alpha said...

zoheb: Congrats on being the first man to visit my blog. and also on being a big fat liar! Ask the other damsel abt the candles.

shufy: First comment, I think I ought to answer in private.

second comment: Nothing wrong with Vivek or his comedy (which I had seen 5 times already)...My only concern is when I ask Pi for some action, I shudder what/whom I might be handed.

alpha said...

:-): Are we taking of the hard drive? you can attribute that to Dell/Compaq or anything you see a logo of on your comp.

Krithiga said...

You could have just said, "All men are streotypical, but some are more streotypical than the rest".

pingoo said...

hehe...if not getting any..then go strum guitar ?? Pi plays guitar ?? and yea guys sometimes use stuff like fair and lovely too ;-).

alpha said...

krithika: we are talking of guys here..need to be more elaborate..

pingoo: Pi doesn't go strumming guitars unless he wants them broken. The only thing we have common is that both of us are musically challenged..plz don't take that away from us.

Maddie said...

14. Thou shalt scratch you calves, arms and all visible body parts till they are patchy and even bleed, but NOT ONCE seek help from the women (read the species smarter than you) in your life, for fear of a dip in the incomprehensible readings on the manliness scale.

Also, send these points to Cosmo. It is increasingly becoming a soft porn mag for men. I was gifted a 2 year subscription, and in the last 14 months that it has been running, I haven't come across ONE issue without a mention of, err, the "many" ways of letting a man know you care.

Maddie said...

Contd: Some doozy can take a hint, if he has some of those chips that Gabby's been talking about.

GratisGab said...

LOL! Image of Pi walking like Rajnikanth isn't leaving my head.
Maddie - "121 ways to drive your man crazy!"???...we forget, they ALREADY are! :D

Ash said...

:) Perfect list Alpha, and I'm sure we can add on many many more to that, like

Thou shalt grow uncomfortable, and quiet and give up in the face of a weeping damsel

Thou shalt cook only if you HAVE to. 'Woman cooks' is default option.

VC said...

#s 10 & 11 sound like commandments from a female god (it's possible)!

All the others - from a male god!

# 2 (the commandment i.e. not...you know...) - could be from either one!

Men win!

alpha said...

maddie: #14 is a great point..kinda goes with #6. Yeah like Gabby says, cosmo is disgusting..why do you want to pay money to figure out how to keep them men happy and wot not atrocities.

gabby: Hopefully images of Mr.Gabby having a bubble bath don't enter mine.

ash: this list is basically what men are condemned to..not what they would like to do. cooking is a convinience factor....there are many in that category like 'selective hearing' on the top of the list.

vc: is that even a contest? # 2 also you can only take. I thought you guys wud feel sorry for yourselves and conclude that there is a female God only.

Parmanu said...

Ok, I now expect Rhyncus to come up with a similar list for women. That would be interesting as well, wouldn't it?

KJ said...

how abt" thos shalt never ask for directions"

wonderful post. BTW how was ur exam???

have a nice day...

alpha said...

parmanu: my only hope is that rhyncus doesnt know much abt women.

kj: good point, shudnt have forgotten that. thanks..exam still long way off..october..28th.

Leela said...

I really would love to know what brought this one on. Couldn't be sympathy for sure :)

JW said...

#15: Thou shall not slink away more than three times after reading such posts, with nothing more than a polite "Lol" .

JW said...

*polite lol*

Rhyncus said...

I said I watched them food channels, I never said I tried to ape them. I would rather eat tarts than make them. ;)

Rhyncus said...

Is there anything to be gained, parmanu, from a similar list for women? Will they read and learn?
Did I demonstrate my ignorance yet, alpha? :)

Patrix said...

a similar list for women?...they wanna be a man? Nah! they don't strive for perfection :)

Sakshi said...

How about
checking out our list !!

Anonymous said...

top of bush? do u mean, missionary position?

prasad said...

alpha beti,

showd ur blog 2 a pal of mine .. his comments :

1. must have been writ by some "demi-god airs" female.

2. if so, there r normally only 2 kinds of them : the more virtuous ones r referred to as behenji or bhabhiji. the others r referred as bi*ch or broads.

3. but occasionally, some "blonde" turns up who REALLY knows not what she's saying .. let her b in her own inane world. just call her beti.

hmm, no comments!!!!

prasad said...

alpaha beti,

forgot to add his punchline ..

no matter, what they r (demi-god airs females), behenji, bhabhiji, b*, broad, blonde or beti, didnt u notice that they r all "b" grade!

hmmm .. quite strong words .. arent they??

phatichar said...

And what about crying during a movie? And just plain crying..for any emotional stuff, that is.. ? hmm? hmm?

Anonymous said...

ooooooooo.....prasad- r u sure you want to be in between your friend and alpha on this subject........

m

alpha said...

leela: Pi loves strawberry diaquiri (the pink cocktail with an umbrella)and will make me order it for him in the restruant..so that his manliness isn't compromised. seriously, if that can't trigger a post, what can?

jw: that was very decent and manly of you.

rhyncus: :) will we learn? learn what? and regarding ignorance abt women, I dont know how to scan for women in a blog filled with food.

patrixu: dream on...

sakshi: checked it out..very very tragic. opened fresh wounds.

anon: ha! if u are a man, ask yourself.

prasad: Your poor friend read the list and figured he is gay? I can see his frustration.

ps- Booze, babes and bucks...you guys strive for everything b-grade..what can i say!

Phatichar: So true... so true... Shucks..how cud I forget.

m: He'd rather be with his friend..he needs all the help (with positions and all)

prasad said...

hey, touche'!!! must show ur repartee to him.

anantha said...

ROTFL! B Grade it seems! :))

:-) said...

oye queen, quiet surprised by your reply to prasad. I was waiting for something stronger. :-)

alpha said...

smiley: Than Q word again! It makes me nervous. I know..I surprised myself.

Buddha came in my dreams and said- If I can be B-grade and not lose my temper on certain arrogant cross-breeds, so can you- dear child (beti).

pingoo said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
pingoo said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
pingoo said...

lol..alpha "chamath" ponn eh ? no losing temper and all :)

alpha said...

pingoo..dei! what have you been posting that you decided to remove..that too twice? very suspicious. seriyaaveillai!

pingoo said...

I did that cuz u changed the comment above..enna onnum teriyada mari nadikire !! anda acting kaage award order pannirken..varum ..wait pann :p.

alpha said...

address mail pannure irru.

prasad said...

anon : u r right .. me wants not 2 b betn pal n beti. no ventilating mcp minds .. btw, how abt blogging mcp's!

alpha : showd ur comments .. but wont record response .. see above!

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