God forbid you are a guy born in this day and age. Oh, so you are. My heartfelt sympathies. I know society is very hard on you and I figured I'd compile a list for easy reference when in doubt. If you are gay, you have enough problems as it is, so you are exempt from this study. But if you claim to be as straight as an arrow, here are ze commandments you need to follow to be a man.
1. Thou shalt unconditionally love sports… the rougher the better. Affiliation to a certain team is must… be it the Mylapore cricket team or the Northwestern Wildcats football team. No rooting for the local Hubbard Hags knitting league. Woe be you if you are caught watching the food channel.
2. You need be on top of Bush (that one too, but this time I am talking of bad things), latest happenings in Chechnya, dips in the Wall Street and Natalie Holloway’s case (hoever dragging) at the same time. When asked about your company’s sustainability report, thou shalt blurt it out.
3. Thou shalt be the ultimate handyman and use parts of the body as a tool kit. Feign ignorance about opening up the vacuum cleaner and not able to locate the scrubber drier, and thou shalt be doomed.
4. Thou shalt not take the easy way and listen to all-knowing astute wife for the fear of being labeled hen-pecked.
5. Manliness doesn’t permit you to talk about clothes with other buddies. You like his shirt..cool.. Just don’t express your feelings on how you were looking for one just like that. Clothes excitement should be limited only to ugly shiny sport jerseys with the number of your brain cells typed boldly at the back.
6. Your face could be a pimple fest and resemble mice-eaten cheese, but thou shalt not be seen with a face mask or any such alleviation techniques.
7. Thou shalt come out stinking from the bath, but will never use the Raspberry Burst body wash sitting in front of your eyes when the normal soap is over. Aromatherapy should be confined to spraying air freshner after the normally stinky crap session. Candles are for kinky stuff only.
8. Thou shalt strive hard and worry endlessly about a bright future ahead with a career that says- Wife, you can relax and cater to your hobbies; my salary will provide for your shopping sprees, your dream holidays and support your extended family too.
9. Thou shalt be able to tackle big bad guys, the way Rajni Kanth does but without the cigarette-juggling. Trying to avoid dark alleys and rolling car windows can be safely construed unmanly.
10. Sense of humor is a must. When your woman cajoles you to crack her up with a tantalizing joke because she says she is having a depressing day, thou shalt not hand over “Vivek’s Comedy” DVD (like Pi did once. He is doomed to be less of a man now.) When asked to be taken out to an expensive place, a gas station is not the right destination. Sucky sense of humor will not be appreciated.
11. If not getting any, thou shalt show extreme frustration by spending time obsessively on X-Box, strumming on guitar or watching porn...whichever you can afford. Eve teasing is also an option in some parts though not recommended because it is a sure shot give-away.
12. Thou shalt fear the word 'cute' for no apparent reason.
13. Thou shalt not fear roller coasters, horror movies, cockroaches, snakes…….
….the list goes on. Basically, tsk tsk.