Tuesday, May 30, 2006

The what-if diaries of Missus Alpha Missra

February 14, 2000- Happy Balentines Day! Sigh. The reason why I was completely bowled over by Rossan was when he made a portrait of me by spitting chewed up tobacco on the wall of our Fluid Mechanics lab. He’d chew and then spit, chew and spit, c&s, c&s (sitting at a distance of six feet on a rocking chair)- till he created that masterpiece which I believe has become a holy spot for lovers from all over. Ross has actually changed a lot since marriage. He’s not as romantic anymore. No flowers, no greeting cards, no portraits, no nothing. I think this is due to the lack of boring moments such as the Soil Mechanics class here in the village. Not a dull moment here. When I am not watching the grass grow, I’m making babies.

April 20, 2000- I thought I should keep a diary just to document my life here in Goriteragaon, Bihar. It also gives me an opportunity to keep in touch with English and mainly keep track of my kid’s names- Manipozhi, Thalaiarazan, Kodaiazhaghi, Manmathakunju and the last one is Maangaoorga…(yeah, I protested against Bihari names and I prevailed. Made sure there is no ‘v’ in the names so that they won’t have trouble pronouncing them. A name like Vamsh in Bihar could be easily mispronounced as Bums).

Regarding keeping in touch with English, I guess it’ll come in handy when we take that vacation with the kids to Patna next month. I still remember when I set my foot in this house and Ross introduced me to his parents. He told them that I was a Trasportation Engineer and that I would make roads in Bihar as soft as Hema Malini’s cheeks. “Teeransportassan? U ka hai babuwa? Bahu sadak banayegi? Humri naak katwani hai ka!“ (Daughter –in-law will make roads? And cut our noses?)

Hema Malini’s cheeks do not have truck traffic on them, I protested quite worried about the high standard that was being set. But that was the last time I heard of Transportation Engineering.

May 3, 2000- I should continue to nag Ross to stop eating paan. It causes stains on his shirts and the amount of Surf I use is causing my monthly Hashish/Ganja budget to dwindle. On my insistence he stopped whistling at other women or having sudden urges to draw portraits of them. One step at a time.

I will never forget the wedding reception when everyone danced to “Khaike Paan Banaras Wala” and I jumped on the dance floor too only to realize everyone else stopped doing what they were doing and started staring at me. Must learn to keep emotions under control here. Seems like people get scandalized easily. And somehow my mother-in-law being pregnant for the 20th time hasn’t shocked a single soul. Strange! By the time I have all the names of his family members down, 7 more are born.

May 15, 2000- My parents tell me that my US cousin gets up at 5 am, goes running for some 2 kms, washes her car, cleans her own bathroom and cooks food in the evening. That’s too much work. Udders are easy to clean than undercarriages of cars. Oh, I forgot to tell you- I got a buffalo for my birthday that I named Anti. The in-laws thought I would get excited and jump up and down at the sight of Anti, but I was very indifferent. I would have preferred a cow.

August 22, 2001- My brother-in-law just got abducted and got forced into some marriage (looks like the parents of the women will do anything to procure slightly educated guys- or guys with educated sister-in-laws) . Wait till the abductors find out BIL is gay. In-laws bummed about dowry situation. Even in my case, my dad refused to give them the Kinetic Honda or the old Onida TV. So they are cursing their fate and I have a feeling that grandma-in-law is probably going to get a heart attack any moment. Ok, need to go and access situation and be ready to wail loudly if deemed.

May 30, 2006- I long ago no riting. So much hapening Goriteragaon. Anti die. Little cry. Happily new cow buying and name of cow giving - Anti. I is loving cow. But died buffalo getting up from died and becoming live. Socking and screaming. Not good I tell. Not good for two animals keeping name Anti. So I giving new name for old buffalo- Buffalo formerly known as Anti. As a Tam Bihari would say- Udderly kilebbur!

32 comments:

anantha said...

And I am supposed to react? We have thick skin, just like the buffalo, which to us, is like a PTC bus or the autorickshaw!
Btw, buffalo milk - good for health! How do you think the chennai buffalos get their strength! From that milk, that's where!
Then they all grow malnourished. But that is because of all the posters they eat because their owner, i.e. people like you, don't feed them grass or hay or thavudu or punnaku!

Me said...

anantha total damage ...

Patrix said...

I bet all this was only to take a dig at aNTi..or rather the blogger formerly known as aNTi.

Hey, you can have another nick.."Alpha since 2003, Beta god knows when"

alpha said...

Anti: all this buffalo talk is getting me hazaar excited. Please stop.

me: I didnt have to try hard.

patty: nahin re. anti just came in there somehow...so that my life in Bihar has reminders of you nice bloggers..only if you knew what I named our piggy (the one with a long nose).
And even you are like the rest of the people in bihar..only beta and no beti! shucks!

Anonymous said...

patrix:

you should've used the gender-neutral delta. now it is time for you to rho!

- s.b.

bloghopper said...

Looks like your what-if life is much more interesting than your current one :)

alpha said...

s.b.- thanks. was looking for a name for my neutered cat.

bh: in that case, this blog will only have what-if scenarios.. next post i will be a hollywood scriptwriter having an affair with Clooney.

WA said...

ROTFL. Alpha only you can write this :D

tbfkawektajtesuaihjasbjtwu, there is nothing to be said now. As me said, total total damage dhaan

anantha said...

WA: What to do?? Some people tell that they would sail the Titanic through a cycle gap! And Alpha through the same cycle gap, calls me eruma maadu! Ellam time... baaed time!

Patrix: Dude, I was dreading this post ever since she told me last week I was going to be the "subject" of her next post! And part of me was actually looking forward to it in the fond hope that she has realised what a grave injustice she has been doing to the graceful, charming, ever smiling (single) me with the insinuations of an alternative lifestyle, that she made with that "match making" post of hers. Alas, my greatest fears came true this morning when I refreshed my Bloglines page! But you know what, I think I can still hope for the best, considering how some of the subjects of the first edition turned out.

me: Yes man, time, all baed time!

alpha said...

wa: wot to do when certain people have bovine qualities?

farmer anti: Do I detect thanklessness?

anantha said...

Alpha: Why should I thank you for equating me to a buffalo? Or am I missing something here. Mebbe buffalo in rossan lingo means a tiger?

alpha said...

how could you?! ..even equate a tiger to a buffalo..give back all the milk you drank. You ingrate! What has the freakin tiger given you? Yama will not be happy!

:-) said...

lol..you cant get this dude out of your mind ...:-)

alpha said...

:-): anti or rossan? plz..be specific. either ways, its kinda sad.

Grey Shades said...

I almost fell off my chair laughing and reading this one! :)

Tinky Toinkers said...

maangaoorga?
:D:D:D:D nutcase :D
love the comment section more most times though... more spontaneous retorts be here.

anantha said...

Now I am actually hurt! :p

Me said...

i do think tbfkaa is hurt....see he is turning away and crying.....:p

alpha said...

grey shades: my aim will continue to be trying to get you out of that chair.

toinks: actually since he is just 1, I call him maavudu..chellama.

anti: so u prefer buffalo over rossan.

me: that can be left to interpretations- but this turning away face in shame shud be expected from my buffalo...he is the one being called Anti.

D.N.A. said...

ayioo pavam.....

WA said...

aNTi not commenting in alpha's blog for more than a few hours? Hmmmm. Alpha, looks like he really is hurt. Maybe you should put up another match making post to get into tbfkaaajtkhsjih's good books again :D

anantha said...

WA: I dont maintain books for good and bad. That is Chitraguptan's job. Me the friendly neighborhood buffalo, eating eating and generally crapping all our the neighborhood.

Tinky Toinkers said...

how sweet. ought to win you the best original nickname contest, sahi mein, much better than the honey, dicky, lovely i hear all round me these days. have more of them kids i say... and name them Vazhaka (u can call him chips), parrupupodi, kodaimolaga ...

alpha said...

wa: I got accused even for doing good like the matrimonial stuff.

Anti: haven't you been potty trained? My buffalo is.

toinks: that alomst sounds like I named my kids so that i dont forget the list of food items I need from mom. Must remember to give birth to Pulikatchal while I am craving for it.

WA said...

Anti: haven't you been potty trained? My buffalo is.

ROTFL. aNTi, what did you do to upset alpha? :))

anantha said...

WA: Looks like Alpha is like a baby's stomach, i.e. she is always upset! ROTFL!

phatichar said...

The comments've gotten funnier than your post, Alpha. Next time, just write 'comments please' on ur blog and take it from there...in the comments section.

Hilarious post, as usual.. :)

Ravages said...

LOL! ROTFLMBAO. Damn! Anantha paavam. But totally awesome post Alpha...
I am not even going to attempt writing a witty response here...(I have, but hidden it)

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