Monday, July 03, 2006

A Meek Wife's Horror Tales

I don’t know how other women do it, but I just haven’t been able to domesticate Pi. Not even a bit. Puppydoglike is absolutely ruled out; he isn’t even close to transforming himself into a pet cobra (or any other ferocious animal if you have hyperactive imagination involving cobras). I take complete blame for this lack of management and delegation skills.

Just the other day, I asked him for help in the kitchen. ‘Could you please chop these onions?’ (Ok, it was more like- Get your sluggish mass here and cut the freaking onions if you have any devious intentions of eating what I cook today.)

He used the famous three strategies-

1. Eardrum failure to external noises other than TV.

2. After I managed to get his attention (which by itself was a horrendous feat worth a whole new post), sudden important work that needed his immediate attention came up and he promised to cut the onions as soon it was done.

3. He continued acting like the work was of never ending nature, hitting the keyboard at regular intervals and closing his eyes in deep meditation whenever I passed by.

An hour passed and the onions were the ones crying unable to bear the suspense of their demise anymore. To preserve my sanity and to prevent myself from smashing his computer in abject hunger, I decided that the onion cutting process would take only 2 minutes if I took the high road. Ambitious plans of disciplining him could wait for another day when I was less famished.
-----------------------
When I got back from work the next day, I saw him lying on the couch in the same position I had left him in the morning. I was certain that he had blinked once as the settled dust from his eyelids had fallen on to his cheeks. He mentioned something about an integral chapter of his PhD work that he intended to complete for the day.

‘Why don’t you do it now?’ I asked with growing concern.

‘I’m waiting for you to ask me to cut onions.’

65 comments:

bloghopper said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
bloghopper said...

Extending the thought, you may end up with a litter also. Proceed with caution !

alpha said...

bloghopper: just when I was trying to slowly transition this blog to PG 13...

humanlike babies are ruled out for us?

alpha said...

extending the thought, you are henpecked because of a mere jelly?

bloghopper said...

A pet cobra that rises when provoked is PG 13 for you ?

alpha said...

aiyoo bhagwane!!! tsk tsk..who ever said anything abt rising? Did I talk abt the aphrodisiac properties of onions by any chance?

dont you know uncles and kids read this blog?

WA said...

ROTFL I am thanking my lucky stars that I've only introduced the young man to aNTi uncle's blog and CCGs so far :D I am just so sensible.

bloghopper said...

Tsk, tsk .. Of all the animals you had to pick Cobra which btw is a symbol of fertility. Of all the vegetables, you had to pick onions :)

confused said...

Alpha,

Nice! Maybe next time don't ask him and just ignore him for a couple of days. Men don't like being ignored even if it comes to onion cutting. :)

alpha said...

wa: we don't want young boys learning these horrid strategies from Pi.

bh: Gawd! You could make tom and jerry look like porn (coming from me, that's a compliment)

confused: Aiyaa..whose side are you on? He'll rejoice if I ignore him and cut onions.

The biggest loophole to this plan is that I can't keep quiet for too long. (it has been tried and tested and failed)

WA said...

Oh don't you worry, he can teach Pi a thing or two about avoiding housework. He would probably tell Pi to do a bad job of it, so you never ask him ever again

Falstaff said...

This might help:

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html?ex=1152158400&en=e3f291c83487223f&ei=5087%0A

B o o said...

<< Ambitious plans of disciplining him could wait for another day when I was less famished. <<
Story of my life!(and I am always famished!:)

Sailesh Ganesh said...

I dont mean to scare you, but Pi reminds me of Slackenerny!

Fishy said...

hey i have an idea, how about turning off the TV while you cook and playing some music he hates but u like and tell him its only till u finish cooking, maybe he will be more keen to help finish cooking quicker... :)
heheheh evil laughter...

Hardu said...

Why don't you just eat out for a few days and don't tell Pi and start cooking and ask him to help? So in case he does not come to help, he will not get any food and you will not be famished either. When is really famished, he will himself come and help you out. Howz the plan? ;)

Tinky Toinkers said...

hmm. you could have told me about this deep dark secrets about husbands BEFORE i went and tied the knot neh?

alpha said...

WA: That was my approach growing up.

falstaff: Wow! That is something. So you are saying, everytime he cuts an onion, I have to write a post glorifying his efforts. Wouldn't that decrease readership?

Fine fine, i'll try this..but you are to blame if he ends up balancing his laptop on his nose while standing upside down and shows no inclination for vaccuming the apartment.

BTW, it's concerning that you are reading this kinda stuff. Are you deciding which exotic animal you want to be when you grow up?

boo: So what are you doing about it? *all ears*

Sailesh: hehh! True true..but I always knew that.

fishy: Do u even know what you are saying? Switch off the TV? You just said it so simply. It's easier to pluck the feathers of a golden eagle nursing her eaglets than switch off the TV in my house.

Hardu: I am taking notes only from married women & unmarried men. I liked the first part where I eat out..but in the second part where I cook is what makes this idea go downhill.

Toinks: Waaat? You didn't get my bound copy of the deep dark secrets that I sent as pre-wedding gift?

Anonymous said...

i am proud of my bro..way 2 go..bro!!

Anonymous said...

Hey! :) somethings don't change and I guess thats for the best ~ right? And believe me ~ writing a PhD document is pretty demanding!!
Hope you are doing fine...take care!!
Wandy

Zoheb said...

Hey!! Who is this meek wife you talk about in the title?

alpha said...

anon: kaun hai be? Come here so that I can pull your ear!

wandy: babes! where have you been? still that Phd, eh? yeah some things better change I say! tried calling you the other day.

zo: It's me of course. kaiku doubt?

sunshine said...

yes... please do pull his ear...

alpha said...

AHA, the sun shines through the cracks today. So you have a blog too and a real cool one at that. wish you had turned comments on.

regarding the ear pulling of the devar in question, I'll outsource it to you for now.

Thanu said...

Coming from a wife who has taught her husband to help her.
1. Nagging works
I hate nagging, but i does wonder.
2. Give choices
Never ask him to cut onions, tell him
"Do u wanna cut onions or do the dishes?" Most of them are gonna choose the easy task.
3. Pretend u don't know how to do it. "I dunno how to cut meat"

alpha said...

thanu: yeah i guess the nagging does get to them before it gets to us.

Point # 2
Me: Wanna do groceries or dishes?
Him: Neither.
Me: Not one of the choices.
Him: I'll do groceries sometime later.
Me: I want corriander NOW.
Him: Forget the dumb green thingies. They make no sense anyway. I'll adjust. Ok, so I am done? *gets on phone before I can protest*

# 3
Me: Dont know how to change bedsheets.
Him: It's alright sweets, we'll sleep on filthy bedsheets. No problem.

shammi said...

hahaha... I guess whatever works as an incentive is good - upto and including being asked to cut onions! :D But how irritating for you!

Fishy said...

aww cmon, its only TV, even better disconnect the cable :) HAHAHA
ok i have a better suggestion, start with his favorite dish, like say thayyir sadam, and ask him if its ok to make it without green chillies, when he cries sacrilege, ask him to chop them up for you...so start with something he would hate to see ruined becoz of the lack of an essential ingredient...there you go... my thinking for the day is done!!!!:D

Zoheb said...

zo: It's me of course. kaiku doubt?

Ha haa haa!! Good one alpha :D

zap said...

the person i've been staying with happily for 2 years has me very well trained.
You've got to show men that a dog's life takes on a completely new meaning when that pup is a pet.

what can i say...I'm loving it.

Tinky Toinkers said...

No. didnt get that or the amazingly expensive truly thoughtful gift you sent me for my wedding either.
tell you what, just resend it, let the bound copy of the book be, since after more than a year i can write one such book by myself, but the other gift is very welcome.
:D

Truth Fairy said...

Lol! Why does this post sound familiar? Oh wait! S is exactly the same too. :) Coming to think of it, aren't they all? You think it's only Indian men? All the phirangis at work seem to help their wives a lot! Or at least they say they do.

We've been married only 4 months, but were together for 6 years before that! Whenever the thought that 'if he doesn't help me before the wedding then how will I manage after', came to my mind, I always convinced myself that he'll change for the better. Wishful thinking, that!

If you EVER find a solution, don't forget this poor soul!

preethi said...

i share ur misery alpha. all husbands are so!i could never sit and read news(till eternity) if my husband was preparing something for me... but he sits without any guilt!
there is no work around for this i guess... if u ever do, please post it !!

Swapna said...

:) ... Am not married but see my sister go through what you just said all the time... :)

D.N.A. said...

Hi Swapna, how you doin'!

alpha said...

shammi: *sob*

fishy: finally one good idea, except i am the one who likes tadka in tayyir saadam...ok ok, i get the point.

zo: glad i cud provide some humor in ur life.

zap: hmmm.. is she human?

toinks: the actual wedding gift was a bookmark for that bound book...it comes attached to the book.

tf, preethi: dont know if i should feel happy to have so much company or feel bad for u suckers.

swapna: stay away from this dna whatever you do.

dna: is your dad around?

D.N.A. said...

adipavi! drogi!!

alpha said...

just want to let swapna know that u don't know the meaning of onions...since we were on that topic.

D.N.A. said...

vengayam!

Anonymous said...

alpha:

watch "king of queens." if carrie can do it, you can too!

- s.b.

Anonymous said...

swapna:

how come you did not paste the link to husbands and other exotic animals here?

- s.b.

zap said...

She's definitely human, but maybe it helps that i'm just barely one:)

alpha said...

s.b: Falstaff was kind enuf to alert me to the exotic animals article (see above)I'm trying that.

who is carie? Dont make me watch stuff, tell me.

Anonymous said...

re: falstaff, whoops - so she did. i am too lazy to cut and paste links, especially when they are so long that you could easily miss a hyphen, underscore or alphanumeric character!

re: carrie, you need to watch the show to appreciate it. she's the "trainer" in "king of queens". reruns on wb here in southern usa. i believe the series is still on on cbs. don't know where you can watch it in il or pa.

- s.b.

p.s.: what is with the chinese attitude on tibetan comments? if you dislike chinese fried rice, that dislike should propel your judgement, right?

btw, for whatever it is worth, i like how you spell judgement the indian way :-). i used to get unimaginable grief during grad school days for using that spelling, even though it is perfectly acceptable (though not used by the majority), unlike "colour," in the usa.

Anonymous said...

lol @ chinese attitude. nah, just an awareness campaign on something serious. not intending to start a discussion on cobras there.

ahydroxy said...

how i became anon?

Anonymous said...

here, maybe this will help you and your readers find the holy grail.

- s.b.

alpha said...

has it helped mrs.sb?

Anonymous said...

when i said holy grail, i meant the above-mentioned tv serial, not its morals. as we've been watching it for a few years now, how should i answer your question? yes or no? maybe yes.

- s.b.

D.N.A. said...

alpha: oh! did you mean what i think you meant? the sodium vapor lamp that i'm.....

alpha said...

s.b.: So it's not a puzzle for Robert Langdon.

I wanted an elaborate scenario played out 'a day in sb's life when he is asked to cut onions.'

dna; of course petromax, i meant that you support Tibet.

D.N.A. said...

Well, what can i say.....live and learn....

Anonymous said...

"I wanted an elaborate scenario played out 'a day in sb's life when he is asked to cut onions.'"

that is very simple. nothing elaborate - he cuts 'em. now about the clothes strewn all over the place, i'm a h.i.t. (husband-in-training) with my wife.

psst to pi: go to subwali#2 and ask her to put lots of onions. on th way home, remove them and tell alpha that your job is done. she gets her sub and onions too!

- s.b.

Sujai said...

You left a comment on my blog. I couldn't figure out who you were. I couldn't get your name from your blog either. S.R. from Chicago? You can always send a mail at the address on my blog. Meanwhile, look at this article on NY Times. Talks about how to train your husbands.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html?pagewanted=1&ei=5090&en=f3a9c33e07612db0&ex=1308888000&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss

alpha said...

sb: kya idea hai...give me some tips on the hit series.

sujai: Aaarrrgggh...not that article again. anyways, have decided to hire a trainer. yes, the SR. Have sent you an email.

Anonymous said...

zo:

before you once more get caught up with life or with wife, or with life within wife, pliss 2 let me know whether or not my entire day's effort was wasted!

http://www.blurty.com/talkread.bml?journal=zoheb&itemid=23010&view=89058#t89058

ahydroxy:

you an sr from chitown? me thought you were an mdm from pa!

martians kiss, venutians (is that a correct word?) tell (well, unless you watched yesterday's rerun of "aarrgggh...not that serial again"). you need to wait for the better half of a year to hear the better half of the story from the better half. the half not (i.e., lesser half) speaketh not.

- s.b.

Anonymous said...

zo:

talk about pots and black kettles - this is what i wanted to point you to.

- s.b.

alpha said...

SB!!!! Woaaaahhhh! What's with me attracting geeks of a different kind? That was too much. And some American company pays you for this?

Worry not, Zoheb checks his blog at least thrice a minute (after checking mine 30 times) So i guess this is a safe bet (also you could email him and alert him in Gabby's blog) ...but why not pick my latest post for your comments...looks like you are getting too comfortable here.

Zo, waiting bated breath for the results of this Math quiz! Plz plz make my pal SB win.

Zoheb said...

alpha and sb: relax karo ....... the quiz is still on. Ladka ab paas nahi hua hai, lekin lakshan achhe hai :D

alpha said...

lakshan tumhare kuch teek nahin lagte. Yeh kaisa swayamvar hai, balak?

Anonymous said...

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zeya said...

Now this is rather hilarious.A woman needs tips for taming a guy, who is already tamed himself to her.. I dont think that shud be hard.
Just plain tricks.. Try it . it works most of the time.
- Affection shud be used at right time , in right amount
- Praise , an ego-boosting tool
- Men are always prone to ego-boost session.
- Lastly poised silence The most important and powerful tool to train dear ones..

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